What’s the best part about waking up early? Nothing

SUMEET BHOBE shares a hilarious take on why joining the 5 a.m. club is an exercise in futility

I always say I love sunsets because I never see the sun rise. A self professed nocturnal, for years I’ve been named and shamed for getting out of bed at 11am.

Having made to eat a shit sandwich with a side order of guilt, vindication finally came when I recently discovered that Mukesh Ambani has the same body clock!

My chest swelled with pride at the thought of being in the same league as the oligarch of oil. (Never mind if Mukeshbhai makes millions while he sleeps safely ensconced in his ivory tower)

No such luck for me, yet I wouldn’t trade my languid mid-morning snuggle sleep for anything.
On my bookshelves lie countless self-transformation volumes and practically all of them talk about rising at 5am to ‘slay the day’.

Well, I have nothing against these early birds but would like to gently remind them that all you get for your troubles is a frigging worm; while I feast on eggs and bacon at noon.

And let’s not forget Mimosas on the weekends. Everyone with some degree of sophistication will agree that brunch is an infinitely more glamorous meal compared to breakfast and makes the newfangled trend of intermittent fasting a done deal. In my books, it’s the REAL breakfast of champions.

And what are the 5am jackdaws crowing about? Like the gambler who never admits to how much he lost in the casino last night, they conveniently conceal the afternoon post-lunch nap they invariably take to make up for the sleep deficit. No one can survive on 6 hours of sleep, unless you are snorting cocaine, you are Elon Musk or 90 years old.

Take for instance any WhatsApp group: those who post atrocious good morning GIFs at 6 am are either a) geriatrics b)unemployed c) social media whores d) just plain lonely!
Even on my travels, I refuse to get out of the hotel before lunch. Sightseeing tours be damned. Pinterest is awash with pictures of every conceivable destination, why on earth does the world need to see my mediocre images? I have a friend who’s in the 5 am club and recently she got hopelessly lost in the serpentine lanes of Marrakech, when she ventured out in the wee hours of the morning with no cell signal and no one to show her the way back to the hotel. I meanwhile slept like a baby without a care in the world.

Get my drift?
In all fairness, I did try very hard to join the 5am club but found myself walking around the house like a zombie in a wasteland. Obviously, even the staff doesn’t show up before 7am. Damn, I even gotta make my own coffee to come out of my semi-comatose state.
‘Spend time with yourself in the morning’ says one hallowed life coach. Trust me, I did make a serious effort, but realised that I don’t like my own company all that much.

Here’s what happened when I tried to rise and shine at 5 a.m:
Got cursed at by my wife for disturbing her at that unearthly hour (The dogs barely acknowledged me).
Burned the coffee kettle by leaving the stove on.
Messed up the plants trying to prune the hedges.
Got attacked by stray dogs while taking a walk
Even after all these trials and tribulations, it was still just 7am and I was ready to shoot myself in the head with boredom. All things considered, I quickly came to the conclusion that I’m never getting entry to the 5am club.
The icing on the proverbial cake was when the newspaper boy turned up at 9:30 am and asked me, “Patrao, how come you’re up so early?”

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