Sunil Dias discusses whether flattery is acceptable in one’s line of business and the kind of flattery needed to make a good impression
Dale Carnegie’s ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ is one of the bestselling books of all times. It has sold more than 30 million copies since its publication more than 80 years ago. It offers some solid, timeless advice – always offer a smile, be a good listener and admit faults willingly and quickly. A lot of the advice in the book centres around doing things which make others feel good. And while some of it, like smiling, seems like a win-win situation for all, many others sound like flattery. The examples, for instance, for praising people at every opportunity. As Carnegie says, ‘Always make the other person feel important.’
Flattery certainly can make people feel good. And it’s nice to make people feel good. Yet, take it too far and it morphs into manipulation. Something done solely to gain something in return. So, in the continuum between ‘make people feel good’ kind of flattery to the ‘get people to do what I want’ kind, what’s acceptable? We’ll try to find out in this article.
Does flattery work?
No one is immune to flattery. We like hearing people say good things about us. We have this tremendous need for self-enhancement. This continues even when we are aware that someone is buttering us up to get something in return. Researchers in Hong Kong got shoppers to favour a clothing store using a simple tool. They distributed flyers inviting the potential shoppers to visit the store. It mentioned that the shopper got the flyer since they are ‘fashionable and stylish’. Despite a clear ulterior motive, it flattered people enough to influence shopping preference.
Will flattery work on that potential client of yours? It will and we do it often enough. Some types of flattery are innocuous. For instance, dressing up well for a client meeting. Or knowing the clients likes and dislikes. Both flatter the client. You are signalling to the client that they matter. But you need to be careful of not crossing a line where flattery is the sole focus and it becomes too obvious. The location of the line depends on the type of person and the type of organization they represent. Narcissistic people are more amenable to flattery. People in organizations with high power distances and bureaucratic structures are more flatterable.
Will flattery work on your boss? Various studies have shown that flattering the boss can produce excellent returns. The Stanford professor, Jeffrey Pfeffer in his book Power lists flattery as key to a happy boss. He cites unpublished research from Professor Jennifer Chatman of University of California-Berkeley. Professor Chatman believes that flattery has an inverted U-shaped relationship. Up to a point, more flattery gives more returns. After that, flattery becomes ineffective. People perceive the flatterer as insincere and a ‘suck-up’. The point where the U turns depends on the boss and the type of organization.
We like hearing people say good things about us. We have this tremendous need for self-enhancement. This continues even when we are aware that someone is buttering us up to get something in return
How to flatter
So, how do you flatter someone without them knowing that you are? Here are 6 tips adapted from a paper by Ithai Stern and James Westphal:
Tip #1: Frame flattery as likely to make someone uncomfortable
Before flattering someone, mention that it might make them uncomfortable. We like being perceived as someone embarrassed by praise (instead of seeking praise).
Tip #2: Ask for advice
Being asked for advice makes us feel wise. That we’re considered experts whose advice is sought flatters us.
Tip #3: Argue then agree
The argument before agreement gives value to the persons power of persuasion. And validates their point of view.
Tip #4: Find out and articulate the views of the person you want to flatter
Figure out the boss’ views from someone else, and then say them to him as if its your idea. If you hear someone mirror your views on a topic, it reinforces your views. That feels good.
Tip #5: Complimenting the person to someone else
If you keep saying good things about the person to others, they’ll learn about it soon enough. And they’ll be flattered when they do.
Tip #6: Don’t sound too smart
We like to be the smartest person in the room. So, be careful not to sound too smart in front of someone you’re trying to flatter.
What kind of flattery is acceptable?
Flattery is one form of ‘impression management’. We need to make a good impression in business and there’s not too much wrong in that. Beyond that, what is ethical and what’s manipulation is very subjective. Yet, what’s clear is that if your business uses flattery as a key component to win business, it isn’t sustainable in the long run. Your product or service should speak louder than any flattery you offer. It isn’t flattering to have someone buy your product just because you flatter them.
Finally, examine how amenable you are to flattery. Every flatterer lives at the expense of those who listen. So, keep an eye out for those flatterers. Machiavelli offers an interesting way to avoid flatterers and staying grounded.
“…of flatterers, of whom courts are full, because men are so self-complacent in their own affairs, and in a way so deceived in them, that they are preserved with difficulty from this pest, and if they wish to defend themselves they run the danger of falling into contempt. Because there is no other way of guarding oneself from flatterers except letting men understand that to tell you the truth does not offend you; but when everyone may tell you the truth, respect for you abates.
Therefore, a wise prince ought to hold a third course by choosing the wise men in his state, and giving to them only the liberty of speaking the truth to him, and then only of those things of which he inquires, and none of the others; but he ought to question them upon everything, and listen to their opinions, and afterwards form his own conclusions”
